Why We Desire Taken People: The Psychology Revealed
Uncover the psychological reasons why we are attracted to people in relationships. Experts reveal the science of "Mate Choice Copying," scarcity, and social proof.
Why We Desire Taken People: The Psychology of Mate Copying
Psychologists reveal why taken people seem more attractive. Explore the science of "Mate Choice Copying," the scarcity principle, and the hidden allure of the unavailable.
The Psychology of Forbidden Fruit: Why We Are Attracted to People in Relationships
Have you ever found yourself swiping through a dating app, feeling unimpressed by the single options, only to find yourself suddenly captivated by someone wearing a wedding ring at a coffee shop? Or perhaps you’ve noticed that when you are single, you feel invisible, but the moment you enter a relationship, you suddenly become a magnet for attention?
You aren't imagining this phenomenon, and you certainly aren't alone. This is a well-documented psychological and evolutionary behavior known as Mate Choice Copying.
While it might feel morally confusing or frustrating, there is a fascinating biological and psychological engine driving this attraction. Below, we explore the deep-seated reasons why the "unavailable" often seem so much more desirable than the available.
1. What is "Mate Choice Copying"?
At the core of this attraction lies a concept evolutionary biologists and psychologists call Mate Choice Copying.
In the animal kingdom, females of various species (from guppies to birds) have been observed preferring males that they have seen with other females. The logic is simple: Vetting.
If someone else has already "chosen" this partner, they have essentially done the background check for you. They have signaled that this individual has desirable traits—whether that is kindness, stability, genetic fitness, or resources. When you see someone in a relationship, you are seeing a product with a 5-star review attached to it. The "single" person, by contrast, is an unknown quantity with zero reviews.
The "Vetted" Stamp of Approval
When a person is in a relationship, particularly a long-term or happy one, they carry a social "stamp of approval."
- For Men: Research suggests women are often more susceptible to mate choice copying because, evolutionarily, the cost of a bad mate choice was higher for women (pregnancy, child-rearing). Seeing a man in a relationship signals he is capable of commitment and providing resources.
- For Women: While men also engage in this, it is often driven more by social dominance or competitive instincts rather than a safety signal.
2. The Scarcity Principle: We Want What We Can't Have
One of the most powerful drivers of human behavior is Scarcity.
In economics, the rarer a resource is, the higher its value. The same rule applies to the dating market. Robert Cialdini, a renowned psychologist and author of Influence, identifies scarcity as a key weapon of influence.
When someone is single, they are perceived as "abundant" or "easily accessible." When someone is taken, they are "scarce" or "unavailable."
Psychological Reactance: When our freedom to have something is threatened or removed (i.e., "You can't have him, he's married"), we experience "reactance."
We push back against the restriction. The forbidden nature of the person makes them more enticing simply because they are off-limits.
- The Ego Boost: There is a subconscious (and sometimes conscious) ego boost associated with "winning" a person away from someone else. It validates one's own desirability over the current partner.
3. The "Safe" Attraction
Ironically, sometimes we are attracted to taken people not because we want to destroy their relationship, but because it is safe to crush on them.
If you have a fear of intimacy or commitment issues, developing feelings for someone who is already in a relationship is a perfect defense mechanism.
- Zero Risk of Rejection: You rarely have to act on the feelings, so you don't risk real rejection.
- Zero Risk of Engulfment: Since they are taken, you don't have to worry about the messy reality of merging your life with theirs. You can enjoy the fantasy of the person without the laundry, the bills, or the arguments.
4. The Halo Effect and Idealization
When you look at a couple, especially from the outside, you are often seeing a curated highlight reel. You see them holding hands, laughing, or posting cute photos online.
This triggers the Halo Effect. Because you see one positive trait (they are in a loving relationship), you assume they possess all other positive traits. You assume they are:
- Great listeners.
- Emotionally intelligent.
- Good in bed.
- Financially stable.
You aren't attracted to the real person; you are attracted to the idealized version of them that the relationship status projects. You don't see them leaving wet towels on the floor or being moody in the morning. Single people, who you might interact with more directly, don't have this protective "relationship glow" to hide their flaws.
5. Social Proof and Mimetic Desire
French philosopher René Girard proposed the theory of Mimetic Desire.
- The Model: The person currently in the relationship serves as the "model."
- The Object: The partner is the "object."
We desire the object because the model desires it. If a person you respect or view as high-status (e.g., a popular friend, a celebrity) is dating someone, you unconsciously assign higher value to that partner. "If they are good enough for her/him, they must be a catch."
This is Social Proof in action. In an uncertain world, we look to others to guide our decisions. A wedding ring is the ultimate form of social proof in the dating market.
6. The Confidence Factor
People in secure relationships often exude a specific type of energy: Non-Needy Confidence.
Single people, especially those actively looking for a partner, can sometimes (inadvertently) project anxiety, desperation, or an eagerness to please. This can be a turn-off.
However, someone in a relationship:
- Is not seeking your validation.
- Is comfortable in their skin.
- Talks to you without an agenda.
This relaxed, non-predatory energy is incredibly magnetic. It feels safe to be around them because they aren't "hunting," which ironically makes you want to hunt them.
7. Gender Differences: Do Men and Women See This Differently?
Research indicates there are nuances in how this affects different genders.
- The Oklahoma State University Study: A famous study showed participants images of individuals. When told the person was single, interest levels were moderate. When told the person was in a relationship, interest levels from female participants rose significantly, whereas interest from male participants remained relatively static or rose less sharply.
- The Male Perspective: Men are sometimes deterred by a relationship status because of the evolutionary cost of physical confrontation with another male. However, competitive men might view a taken woman as a "trophy" to be won, signaling dominance over the other male.
8. Is It Ethical? The "Poaching" Debate
While the psychological pull is natural, acting on it falls into the realm of Mate Poaching.
Psychologically, people who frequently engage in mate poaching (pursuing taken individuals) tend to score higher on the "Dark Triad" of personality traits:
Narcissism: Entitlement and need for admiration.
Machiavellianism: Manipulation and strategic exploitation.
Psychopathy: Lack of empathy or remorse.
While feeling the attraction is a normal biological response to social proof, pursuing it often indicates a disregard for social contracts and the emotional well-being of others.
Conclusion: Understanding the Biology to Control the Impulse
If you find yourself constantly crushing on taken people, don't beat yourself up. You aren't "broken." You are simply responding to evolutionary cues that tell you, "This person is safe, vetted, and valuable."
However, understanding the mechanism is the key to breaking the cycle. Recognize that your attraction is likely based on Scarcity and Idealization, not reality. The "perfect" partner you see is an illusion created by their unavailability.
Real love requires availability. A person who is "perfect" but taken is, by definition, imperfect for you because they cannot offer you the one thing a relationship requires: Presence.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Q1: Does being in a relationship really make you more attractive?
A: Yes, studies on "Mate Choice Copying" confirm that people (especially women) often rate individuals as more attractive when they are seen with a partner or wearing a wedding ring. It signals that the person has been pre-screened and has desirable traits.
Q2: Why do I only like guys/girls who are taken?
A: This could be due to a fear of commitment (choosing unavailable people keeps you safe from real intimacy) or low self-esteem (needing to "win" someone to prove your worth). It is also linked to "Mimetic Desire"—wanting what others have.
Q3: Is Mate Choice Copying just jealousy?
A: Not necessarily. Jealousy implies you want what specifically belongs to someone else. Mate Choice Copying is more about using someone else's choice as information to determine quality. You trust their judgment more than your own.
Q4: Can a relationship work if it started by "poaching"?
A: Statistics suggest these relationships are often rocky. Research shows that relationships formed via mate poaching tend to have lower levels of commitment and satisfaction, and higher rates of infidelity.
Q5: How do I stop liking someone who is taken?
Humanize them: Stop idealizing them. Remind yourself they have flaws you don't see.
Distance: Limit contact to reduce the "scarcity" allure.
Focus on Availability: Remind yourself that "availability" is the most important trait in a partner. If they aren't available, they aren't a match.
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